Sickeningly Sweet
by AlmightyLordPhlebotium
Summary: Danny and Christy did not expect to be attacked by zombies on their romantic date, Daniel Hart must learn to use his lost powers to help others. (Currently on hiatus until I re-edit the two chapters).
1. Chapter 1

Sickeningly Sweet-The Super Serious Crack Fic

Chapter 1.

*Note: Some of the stuff are not in chronological order. And no, it's not as

"Hurry, love." Said a red-headed boy as he and his girlfriend were chased by zombies.

"Fucking wankers ruining our date."

"Christy!"

"What? Oh, and trying to eat us. I was about to say that too."

"Now's not the time for banter."

"Oh, lighten up, Danny. Action movie characters always-Ah!"

Christy tripped on something and fell. Danny turned back and pulled her up.

"Can you walk?"

"No. My ankle..."

"Oh great!" he snapped "Now look what happened-all because you were fooling around."

Christy looked like she was about to cry.

"You're right. And now we're both dead."

Danny looked back at the zombies shambling after them, then at Christy. A devilish grin appeared on his face as he lifted Christy on his back.

"Look at me-I'm Edward Cullen!" he said while running with Christy piggyback style.

"What happened to not fooling around? And-How dare you! I do not resemble Bella Swan! If we get through this alive, you're gonna be in so much trouble!"

"You may punish me all you want, my mistress-hey, can we use hot wax and whipped cream?"

The two lovers stopped their witty banter, both because Danny was running out of breath and because they saw an armoured police vehicle parked nearby.

Meanwhile, Seras Victoria was running through the bushes with her flimsy gun. A female zombie in a pink dress made way towards her, only to be impaled by the arm of a guy in red all the way to his elbow and turn to ash.

"A fine night, isn't it?" the mysterious man said.

"Who are you?" said the terrified officer. "Don't come any closer."

"It's especially great for a bloodsucker like me- never mind, Police Girl." He said as her abandoned police vehicle approached "Duck and cover!"

Christy woke up in a richly decorated room. Her head was throbbing. A red puppy was sleeping on her chest. There was also an IV line connected to her elbow.

"Ugh. What happened?"

Last thing she remembered, Danny was driving the police vehicle and then...oh, her head hurt too much.

Christy fondled the sleeping puppy

"What a cutie. You look just like him, little guy."

"Not now, mom. I may be half demon, but your kiss goodnight drains me." the puppy mumbled in its sleep before opening his eyes "Oh, Christy. Thank goodness youre awake!"

"Aaaaaah!"

"Aaaaaah!"

The butler entered the room just in time to catch the demonic puppy that Christy threw.

"Nice catch, Walter. You haven't spilled a drop."

"Why thank you, Demon Boy. I," Walter looked at his empty hand, then at Christy finishing the rather large meal he brought her, then at a trail of blood on thew floor. "Oh dear. Lady Christine, didn't you notice the IV needle? You ripped it out of your elbow when you got up."

Just as Danny was about to panic, Christy sniffed her arm, then licked the blood.

"Wow. Never knew I tasted so good."

Just as she said it, there was slurping under her bed.

"Yeah, I'll say, Christy. Judging by the taste, either you are virgin or Demon Boy used his tongue instead of his cock-" Alucard said as he met Christy's gaze.

"I'll be in the kitchen in case anyone needs me." Walter said.

"Sir integra, Sir integra!" Danny poofed into the office. "Alucard is..."

"Bothering Christy? I'm gonna kill him!"

"No, actually,"

"Stop destroying Hellsing property!" Integra shouted as soon as she and Seras were teleported into the room by Danny.

"Oh, sorry!" Christy sais as she put the bed down and started choking Alucard.

"That includes beating up my vampire."

"But he-" "-she started it!" both said in unison.

"Master, Master, are you ok?" Seras ran up to Alucard and when he nodded, immediately ignored him and hugged Christy "Oh Christy, you're awake!"

"Miss Victoria!" Christy returned the hug even harder "Hey, your ayes are red. Just like-"

"Oh my sweet, delicate maiden..." Danny went to hug and kiss Christy, only to be stopped at arms length.

"Are you still the Danny that I know and love...or Dark Heart who wants to kill my friends?" she asked him.

"Yes."

"What kinda answer is that?"

"Is it me, or I've got the worst case of Deja Vu?" Danny asked.

"The answer is that he is both."

Christy glared at Alucard, who shrieked like a girl and hid behind Integra.

"Alright. Can anyine tell me what's going on?" Christy asked "Why is Danny not evil but has his powers, Miss Victoria's eyes are red, and what is this place, anyway?"

"You mean, you don't remember anything?" Integra asked "Not even your transformation back in Cheddar?"

"What transformation?"

"Why, werewolf of course." Walter interrupted.

Danny carefully parked the car inches away from Alucard's face and climbed out, only to be handcuffed.

"Hey, what's that for?"

"You are under arrest for vehicle theft and carrying stolen weapons in public."

"What the fuck? We just brought you this stuff so you could use it!"

"Demon Boy's right." Alucard said as he reformed from under the police vehicle "And if he and his girlfriend hadn't arrived, the ghouls would kill you after I leave...Actually, if you had taken the vehicle with you, those two would be dead."

"How do you know all of that, you creep?" Danny asked.

"Why, its because I'm a vampire that can read minds."

BANG! He was interrupted by Seras' bullet.

"...and you, Police Girl thought that I was a human before these two lovebirds arri-"

He was iterrupted by another shot.

"Aw, fuck that-releasing Cromwell limits and all that shit." he said, pointing his finger frame at Danny "Initiating memory and ability recovery. Enjoy playtime with Demon Boy-FIY, if it wasn't for him bringing the car here, you'd run out of bullets, Police Girl." Alucard said before disappearing.

As Alucard disappeared, Seras and Christy (who limped towards her) noticed the red smoke, then a loud

"FUUUUUUUCK!" Danny screamed as he broke the handcuffs by turning into a Super Sayian gorilla.

Then, as Seras pointed her gun at him,

"No, don't shoot, don't shoot!" he said as he quickly turned human.

"Don't do anything funny, or you're dead."

He grinned as an idea popped into his head.

"WAAGH I'M GONNA KILL YOU ALL!" Demonic Danny shouted as he turned into a huge dragon and Seras' empty gun went 'Click! Click!'.

"You know," he said as he turned human next to Seras "Despite everything, I disagree with the vampire Austin Powers impersonator. You're not a stupid bimbo."

"I'm...not?" Seras asked.

"YOU'RE A FEMALE BRUTE, just like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, only armed with shitty weapons!At least you are good at handcuffing, shooting and reciting the criminal charges, you dumb broad!" he shouted, pointing at her empty gun.

"If it weren't for me driving your fucking car, I would still be human and making out with Christy (whise chest is more beautiful, so is her face and hair-oh hell, she even smells better than you) while you would be out of bullets like you are now, only more dead!"

He took a deep breath and turned away. "Wow, that felt better. Absolute catharsis. Now let's go somewhere safe before the Care Bears appear and make everything worse."

Danny noticed Christy looking at him cautiously and his face saddened.

"Well, Bella. Ask me if I sparkle. Or that other thing. Go ahead."

"Are you Danny, whom I knew and loved...or Dark Heart?"

"Yes."

"What kind of answer is that?"1

"Well, I still love you, but if it wasn't for tall, dark and creepy, I'd still be living in blissful ignorance not knowing that they killed my parents before they went from human to Care Bear, or that they erased those memories when their rainbow laser pushed my demonic energies like a fat, ugly, hairy naked philosopher pushing water out of his bathtub, resuting in you getting blasted and impersonating Tinker Bell or female Jesus and me turning into a real boy Pinnochio style and getting ubermensch Aryan blue eyes in place of my ruby red peepers. How's that for an explaination?"

"But...How do I know that you are not lying?" Christy asked suspiciously.

"I was a demon when I told you to escape even after taking your athleticism. Not to mention the Pinnochio thing. If you are still suspicious of me, then stay with Officer Victoria. She will protect you or else I'll make her suffer for her well-placed paranoia about me-"

He was interrupted by a passionate kiss from Christy.

"Oh, my sweet, sexy, Satanic shapeshifter!" Christy hugged Danny "There's nowhere where I'll feel safer...than with you!"

"And now no ghoul will hurt us now that we have a shapeshifting badass on our side." Seras said "Assuming that this isn't some hallucination."

"That's right! With my powers, no one will be able to hurt me!"

Half an hour later...

The vampire priest ignored Seras in favor of Christy before settling on Danny as the sexiest and paralyzing him while Alucard tried to decide what to do...

"Oh no! This vampires turned Danny into Dark Heart and are about to drink Christy and officer lady! Care Bear Stare, now!"

As Danny predicted, his body shot lightning everywhere like a demonic Pikachu. Only now, it was Seras who was dead and glowing red and Christy holding Danny's unconscious body next to the puddle of ash, while snarling savegely.

"...and that's what happened. " Alucard stated "Danny regained consciousness at the same time that Christy fainted form exhaustion while the bears ran like cowards wen i pointed my gun at them. I turned Police Girl into a vampire, and we each carried our chosen damsel to Sir Integra-hey, hey, what did I do now?"

Instead of attacking Alucard, Christy hugged him "I still don't believe that Care Bears could be so closed-minded, but thank you for returning Danny's powers and memories. After all, I trust Seras.

"Oh come on now. Your hug burns more than a Care Bear Stare."Alucard said "And they burn worse than getting ass raped by athe Adrianopolis Sultan's entire Janissary force when I was still human training in Turkey. Where else do you think I got my obssession with impalement when returning to Wallachia, or part of Romania?...I said too much, did I?"

Everyone nodded in revulsion.

"Aw, come on, Walter. We did way worse back in World War Two. Everyone laughed at you when I transformed into a girl, but you asked me to use both genders, you handsome old dog!"

"And I recall you scream being half as girly when you were female running from a century old Nazi werewolf Captain Gunsche than you did from sixteen year old Miss Cherrywood, who only discovered her powers a week ago."

"Yeah, I noticed how Alucard never uses Police Girl and Demon Boy's real names and only calls me Master, but on first name basis with Christy and Walter who managed to cause him more pain." Integra noted.

"Wait! Hold on a minute. Did you say Gunsche?" Christy asked Walter.

"Yes. He's a Nazi werewolf that I killed years ago. Girlycard, Alucard's female version took his sentient, multi-armed coffin went off to hunt the other officers, leaving me to fight Hans alone."

"How many years ago exactly was that?"

"Walter was fourteen years old at the time and he is sixty nine years old...this means it was fifty-five years ago from now andthirty nine years from Christy's birth." Alucard said "I have the power to get the skills of the people Idrank. In addition to studying math when I was still alive. Is that why I think you asked?"

"Yes. This Captain Gunsche guy couldn't be my father." Chrisy said in releif.

"Unless he's still alive." Alucard said and Walter glared at him.

"You see,my full last name is Christine Crawford Gusche Cherrywood. And speaking of which, what about Mr Cherrywood, my step father? He must be worried about me."

At these words, Integra's face darkened. "Does he by any chance own an orphanage?"

"Yes."

"Then you'd better come upstairs to see some papers, Christy. He might be dead."

Earlier that night...

"What is the matter, Victoria?" Fergesen asked.

"But the target...it's...its..."

"You are to obey your order. Now shoot before she-it, attacks some-" He sighed and ordered Hendersen to shoot the vampire and the ghoul she made. He listened to the radio again and his face became very grave"What do you mean, the ghoul is till alive? Even after aiming for the heart? Damn it!"

Alan Prince was going home from work through the rain when a strange mute beggar woman started bothering his co-worker Kim, the news anchor.

"You're just being paranoid, Kimmy." Her boyfriend said.

"What's the problem, guys?"

"Oh, nothing, Alan, she's just nervous,"

"-this creepy woman. Where did she go?" Kim interrupted.

The pale woman wearing a shackle moved so that Alan was between her and Kim.

"Call police and ambulance."Alan said to the couple as he went near the other woman, who stumbled toward him. "Are you hurt, miss? Don't worry, we'll get help-"

She revealed her fangs and flung Alan against the wall while lunging at Kim, but failed to grab her ankles.

Then Alan's bloodied figure went to grab the woman when a bullet ripped through him as Kim and the other guy stared in shock. Then to their greater surprise, Alan Prince's corpse got up a second time with lightning speed to push the creepy hooker out of the way of the second bullet.

Then his tall, hulking shape picked the woman up and looked behind him at the shooter.

Then he turned his horrifying face with a wide mouth full of long teeth and black, painted eyes with red pupils and screamed "RUN, NOW! BEFORE THEY GET YOU!" and ran at inhuman speed.

Seras looked at back at Fergesen's severe expression.

"Victoria?"

"Yes sir?"

"Do you know what happened today?" when she stayed silent, he continued "Your hesitation not only cost us one civilian life, but now we have one vampire and one new, ultra powerful breed of Ghoul on the loose. What do you hyave to say for yourself?"

"It's not my fault that you or Master haven't trained me! Or told me that some vampires look like innocent people-not creepy like that vampire priest in Cheddar!"

"I thought that Divison 11 treated you with kid gloves," the moustached man said in outrage "but not to such an extent, Miss Victoria!"

"Hey, how dare you talk like that about my Division, you old bastard!"

"Such insubordination! That's it, I'm requesting Sir Integra to limit you to solo missions until you develop skills-no, only accompanying Alucard, because otherwise you'll get killed. I swear to God, your current strength is at the same level as me and Hendersen, but your speed and reflexes are below Heather, the mansion's head maid who unlike Walter is not superhuman. Now, are going to stop making excuses and take responsibility, or do I have to request that youy be transfered to a desk job, where you can drink a minimum of blood without endangering everyone with your hesitation and weakness?"

"What would Danny say in my place?" Seras thought "Too bad he's with Christy while he's unconscious."

"Actually," Danny said in Seras' head "I've got an idea..."

Fergesen looked at the grinning Seras. "What's so funny, Miss Victoria? I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder too, but you don't see me acting crazy."

"No, sir!" Seras suddenly became serious "I apolgize for my earlier rude behavior."

"Care to explain about your mood swing, Victoria?"

"No sir. I wanted to say that, no it is not your responsibility to train your subordinates or brief them about their targets. I accept responsibility for not being familiar with a type of rifle that Division 11 that specializes in gathering police intelligence, does not use, or for being conditioned as a Division 11 office to never shoot unarmed targets. In fact I insist that if you do not give me training as punishment, I will train myself without your assitance until I can eliminate vampires that look like twelve-year-old children,vampires that look like the elderly, and vampires that look like pregnant women without hesitation. Permission to leave, sir!" Seras said as she saluted.

"You know, now that I think about it, I was too harsh on you for what happened today." Fergesen admitted "I apologize for my earlier outburst. But don't get too cocky, recruit. After Hendersen instructs you at 0100 hours tonight, I will expect you to live up to the expectations. Dismissed."

"Thank you, sir!"

"Oh, and Victoria?"

"Yes?"

"Even a vampire child is far from harmless. Remember that."

"Yes sir!"

OMAKE:

"Yes. This Captain Gunsche guy couldn't be my father." Chrisy said in releif.

"Unless he's still alive." Alucard said and Walter glared at him.

"...My full last name is Christine Crawford Gusche Cherrywood."

"Crawford?" Integra asked "You mean like the actresses?"

"No relation. Not to mention that my mother wasn't as abusive as Joan Crawford."

Flashback:

Jean Crawford hit Christy in the face with a coat hanger. "How many fucking times do I have to fucking tell you? NO! FUCKING! COAT! HANGERS!

The mother realized what she's done. "Oh my god! Look what you made me do-you're bleeding!"Jean hit Christy with the coat hanger again "ALL OVER MY WHITE DRESS, YOU LITTLE WHORE! IF YOU DON'T FUCKING CLEAN THE STAINS IMMEDIATELY, I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO BLEED ABOUT, YOU GONNORHEA-FILLED CUNT!"

The mother continued her rant as Christy's face elongated into a muzzle and her mouth became very wide, only the human skin stretching and bleeding instead of growing fur.

"I SAID, STOP DISEMBOWELING ME AND GET ME THE PEROXIDE, YOU LITTLE BITCH! YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER YOUR FATHER GUSTAV, BEFORE HE LEFT ME FOR A NAZI WHORE,SAID I WAS TOO EVIL! YOU CALL THAT A WEREWOLF? YOUR FATHER'S DICK ALONE WAS HAIRIER THAN YOU! DAMN NAZI BITCH!" Jean Crawford screamed as she was ripped apart.

End Flashback.

"Well," Christy said "Now I know this isn't my first transformation. Or that I didn't remember the truth abut Mom. Such a same that the neighbor's pitbull got the blame for something I did."

Everyone glared in shock at her.

1 That is the phrase that sparked Danny's déjà vu.


	2. Chapter 1 remake

"Hurry, love." A red-haired boy held his girlfriend's hand as they ran from a bunch of zombies in civilian clothing.

Meanwhile, a female police officer was tending to her friend Jack's wounds. Until that is, the other cop suddenly tried to bite her as his body visibly decayed in seconds.

Danny and Christy were hiding under a tree. Both were covered in scratches and Christy sprained her ankle running from the zombies as her handsome and devoted love slave did a fair impersonation of Edward Cullen when he gave her a piggy back ride to safety, much to her humor-and disgust.

"I do not look like Bella Swan! She's a stupid, pathetic bitch who would do stupid things and get injured, only unlike her," she sobbed "we'll be deeeaaad! Because of my clumsiness! If only I weren't so heavy!"

"Do not worry, my sweet, voluptuous little Valkyrie." Danny said. "We'll get through this. Though I would rather be the one with a twisted ankle since I'm lighter than you."

"Like a feather, my noble, delicate prince." Christy said "But I really wish you could still turn into a wolf."

"Never! You almost died because of my evil powers. Never again will they hurt anyone!"

They both went silent for a moment as a zombie in a pink skirt went through the bushes. The two kids held their breath as the foul creature went past them, only for Danny to lose balance and fall loudly, breaking a bunch of twigs under their feet.

The dead woman in pink stopped, and shambled towards them with a moan.

Seras couldn't believe her eyes. A bunch of humanoid animals made Jack explode by shooting him with rainbow lasers from their crotches (well, stomachs actually).

"Oh my bloody hell. Either I'm dead in Purgatory, or the guys put lysergic acid in my tea. Yeah. Soon I'll wake up from this hallucination and they'll still be alive and not zombies-" her train of thought was interrupted by a bitch slap from Grumpy.

"Get a hold of yourself!" the bear said.

"You're being too harsh on the girl." Nurse Bear (formerly Baby Hugs) said. Teatime Bear (Tugs), Brave Heart and Lots of Heart behind her nodded.

The zombie lady trying to eat the romantic couple was impaled on a huge Carmen Sandiego impersonator's extended arm all the way to the elbow before exploding into dust. The man in the red trench coat smiled, revealing a set of fangs.

"Beautiful night isn't it, Demon Boy?" the vampire said "It's especially beautiful for creatures of the night like us."

Danny held Christy closer to himself "Yeah it was, until the zombies appeared to interrupt my romantic date." He caught himself and dropped his chummy tone "What do you want, bloodsucker? How did you know that I was a demon?"

"You just told me, Demon Boy. Well, not really. I sensed the darkness inside you. Me, I just have many human reasons to save you and your little girlfriend. You still have a power sealed deep inside of you. The power to protect your girlfriend. I can unlock it for you."

"I suppose you want something in return?" Danny asked.

"Oh, I do want something in return." He chuckled "I want you to use it."

"Shut up! You just want to turn me evil, vampire! I didn't love anybody before I became human. I was lonely and I wanted to kill innocent beings for no reason at all!"

"What if I told your new friends weren't completely honest with you?"

"Go to hell!" Danny charged at Alucard, swinging his fists.

The punches went through the vampire, who went in corporeal a couple of times. He became solid to take the third punch to the stomach without flinching. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha! My offer still stands, boy." the vampire's laughter echoed as he faded away into darkness as Danny fell on his knees, sobbing.

The Care Bears and Cousins finished explaining everything to Seras and were looking for Danny and Christy.

"So you used to be human centuries ago before the Great Wishing Star gave you a place to live." Seras said "In exchange for your obedience?"

"Roight you are, luv." Teatime Bear said.

"And gave us materials for technology." Nurse Bear said.

"Speaking of which," Grumpy said "the two of them still have their communicator."

Crunch!

"Oops!" Lots of Heart said.

"Ya mean this one?" Brave Heart pointed at the elephant's feet. She was standing on a heart-shaped device, spray-painted black. "It must-ve fallen oot of their pockets."

"Guys! Come here, quick!"

They all ran to where Seras was calling. "Do you see it?"

"See what?" Grumpy said "There's nothing here."

"Exactly! There used to be an armored car, crates of ammunition and about a dozen people lying on the ground."

"Whoo wuld want to a whoole tank and a bunch of dead coppers?" Brave Heart asked in his Scottish accent.

"They couldn't just walk away." Grumpy said.

"Maybe they did." Lots of Heart said.

"Don't talk nonsense." Grumpy scolded.

"She's right." Seras said. "You blasted Jack-the walking corpse that used to be him-with your rainbows. What if someone was controlling them?"

"But who?" Nurse asked.

"The priest me and Division 11 were to catch. Or kill." Seras said. "Before they died."

"Hurry, my little angel." Danny supported Christy as they walked. The church in front of them stood out in the middle of a graveyard.

"I always wanted to visit Cheddar, but not like this." Lots of Heart said "Less Caring Mission and more cheese tasting."

"Nuo time to think aboot food when we have to save oour lad and lassie."

"There's always time to think, how rennet enzyme is used to produce cheese, or how someone must be controlling those undead, judging by how they managed to move all the equipment as well as drive the armored truck away. I'd rather think about food, though." The elephant said.

"The priest." Seras said grimly. "He's the necromancer summoning those corpses."

"Or a vampire." Tea Time Bear added.

"But vampire victims turn into intelligent vampires themselves!" Nurse Bear said.

"Or maybe, only those on TV." Lots said "I mean, they're all different. Different powers, different origins, different weaknesses. Not to mention that some of these stories originate due to porphyria, rabies, the Plague, receding flesh around the fingernails making them look like they've grown, as well as contradicting descriptions by different authors.."

"Hello?" Danny said as he opened the church door. "Anyone?"

"My ankle is hurt and we need help." Christy said.

A lean, angular man in a priest's cassock greeted them.

"Hey, check out Count Chocula." Danny whispered as he closed the door behind him. Christy giggled.

"Oh, you poor little children. You must be afraid and exhausted. Come, let me have a look at you." He stared at Danny, mumbling "No, you won't do", then holding Christy's chin and staring in her eyes.

"Um excuse me?" Christy said drowsily "My foot...is down…theeere…"

Her unconscious body hovered with her feet barely touching the ground.

"What are you doing? Let her go!" Danny charged at the creepy priest, only to be paralyzed mid stride, unable to move a muscle.

"What…what did you do to me?"

"I can't have you interfering with my fun can I, demon?"

"Please…please, let her go." Danny pleaded "Take my blood instead!"

"Don't stereotype me, little boy. Demon blood tastes gross. Almost as bad as that belonging to angels. Not as good as virgin human blood." He licked Christy's neck with an unusually long tongue as Danny screamed in helplessness.

"You bastard! I'll kill you! I'll mutilate your corpse for all eternity, even if it takes me a whole century, even if I have to fight my way back here out of hell, after a training montage where I become a full-fledged demon, you fucking bastard!"

"You're cute when you make empty threats like that. Of course, I'll have to take her virginity so she'll turn into a ghoul instead of a vampire. Free will is so troublesome."

That is when Danny screamed as red light enveloped him. Unfortunately, the priest telekinetically flung him against the closed church door, the boy's bones snapping as he slid down against the door on the ground like a puppet with its strings cut out. Blood came out of his mouth as a rib protruded out.

_Well it's a marvelous night for a Moondance_

_With the stars up above in your eyes_

_A fantabulous night to make romance _

'_Neath the cover of October skies_

_And all the leave on the trees are falling _

_To the sound of the breezes that blow_

_And I'm trying to please to the calling _

_Of your hearts strings that play soft and low_

_And all the niiight's magic seems to whisper and hush_

_And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush._

Alucard's annoying impersonation of Van Morrison's voice sounded in Danny's head. _Hello again, Demon Boy. _

_You again. Stupid guy in red. _Danny thought in his head.

_How hypocritical of you, with your track suit and all. _

_Yeah, whatever. Have you come to laugh at me?_

_Believe it or not, I came to help you._

"What's wrong, half-breed?" The priest said mockingly "Did I throw you too hard? Why don't you use your powers and save your little girlfriend?"

In response, a quiet chuckling was heard as a red mist enveloped Danny's body as it disintegrated. Soon the chuckling became a full blown maniacal laughter as Danny's body suddenly reappeared in a flash of lightning.

"It's…SHOWTIME! I'm back. Did you miss me, old man?"

"KILL HIM!"

A spray of bullets tore Danny or Dark Heart's body to shreds.

"No! Danny!"


	3. Chapter 2

_Note: Teatime and Braveheart's accents will be less pronounced here. Also, ignore the plot holes and crappy plot, including Christy's transformation into a werewolf with no foreshadowing in the previous chapter and cheap use of Arabian Nights-style flashback. Also, Integra's lack of caution when dealing with Christy's dangerous abilities. Expect convoluted plots. Actually, I'm doing my best just updating on time. Also, the bear, lion and elephant's names will be alternately spelled as Tea Time and Teatime bear, Brave Heart and Braveheart Lion, Lots of Heart and Lotsofheart Elephant._

Christy woke up in a richly decorated room with an IV drip in her arm.

"What happened last night?" She absent mindedly stroked a puppy sleeping on her chest. "What's your name, little guy? You look just like Danny."

She just remembered Danny transforming and getting shot.

"Not now, mommy. I will avenge you later…" the puppy mumbled in his sleep.

"Aaaaaah!"

The butler opened the door in time for the puppy to fly at him.

"Nice catch, Walter." The puppy said.

"I see your girlfriend is awake, Demon Boy."

"Demon Boy?" Christy asked in confusion, only to be interrupted by an overly affectionate puppy jumping on her.

"Oh, my sweet little angel. My little pumpkin. My voluptuous pagan goddess." Danny said as he kissed her arm Gomez Addams style. Christy put a finger to his lips.

"Wait. Are you still Danny-or Dark Heart?"

"Yes."

"What kind of answer is that? Wait, is that blood on your lips?"

"What? Eeew! Phht, phhet, gross!" Danny sputtered.

"Lady Christine must've ripped the IV out of her elbow when she threw you, Demon Boy."

Much to Danny's surprise, Christy pulled him into a passionate kiss, licking her blood off his lips. "Mmm. I taste awesome." She said, then beginning to lick her own blood from inside her elbow.

"You said it. Still virgin. Demon Boy either pleasured you with his tongue, or in the butt Catholic-style." A voice sounded from beneath the bed.

Sir Integra was in her study talking to Nurse Bear. She swallowed some acetylsalicylic tablets, chasing them with brandy.

"You shouldn't do that, lady knight. It's not good for the stomach lining."

"Oh yeah, and what about my smoking habit?" Integra replied with sarcasm "Let's not forget my chronic stress. If I knew that I'd be babysitting Alucard since I was twelve, I'd have let my evil uncle kill me back then and there. Trust me, furball. My health is the last thing that you should worry about with all that bloody crap going on."

Suddenly, a high-pitched (obviously Alucard's) shriek sounded from downstairs. They were interrupted by an excited lion "Hey, lassies. Christy's awake!"

Integra poured herself more brandy (a lot more) before following the two animals downstairs.

Christy was busy beating Alucard when a sharp female voice interrupted her.

"Stop destroying Hellsing Organization property right now!"

"Oops. Sorry." Christy said, putting the IV drip holder she was using to bludgeon Alucard, and continued choking him.

"That includes MY vampire!"

"But he-" "-she started it!" both shouted, continuing to argue until Walter lifted the lid off the tray.

"Is that bacon?" Christy asked, forgetting about the vampire that pissed her off as she grabbed the tray. She hissed in pain and put her burned finger in her mouth after touching the fork. "Ow. What sort of prank is that?"

"Sorry about that, Lady Christine." Walter said, producing steel cutlery rolled in a napkin from his vest pocket. "These will be more appropriate."

"What were those anyway?" Christy asked, eating with the steel knife and fork.

"Just silver." The butler replied.

They were interrupted by the caring animals swarming inside to greet Christy. As soon as he saw them, Alucard turned into a six-eyed Great Dane and jumped into Integra's arms while whimpering and Danny disappeared in a puff of red smoke.

"Christy!"

"Guys!"

Chirsty already finished the small mountain of bacon, eggs and mashed potatoes and went to hug her cuddly friends.

"Oh my little fluffy friends. I've missed you so much."

"And we were so worried about you." Nurse Bear said.

"Even though you only regained your consciousness a few minutes ago." Lots said as everyone stared at her. "What? Christy said that she missed us, and she was unconscious. That means that she missed us after not seeing us for less than half an hour."

"About that." Christy said "Can anyone tell me what happened?" She turned to Nurse Bear "Who are you? Have we met before?"

"It's me, sweetie. Baby Hugs. And this is Baby Tugs." She pointed at Tea Time Bear. "Don't you remember anything?"

"Last thing I remember the priest killing Danny. And then I blacked out."

"Not even a little bit?" Alucard interrupted "Not even how you transformed? How about these furballs killing the female police officer that befriended them?"

"Silence, vampire." Brave Heart Lion said in an even voice as a claymore with a ruby heart pommel materialized in his paws "Remember that the more I fear something, the more violently I attack it."

"Nobody is attacking anyone as long as I'm in control!" Integra said.

"Thank you master. I didn't know you cared." Alucard in Scooby-Doo form said, tears streaming from his multiple eyes. "I love you too." He hugged Integra, only for her to drop him on the floor.

"Master! Grumpy, Braveheart, Tea Time, Nurse, Lots!" Seras Victoria said as soon as Danny teleported her to the crowded basement guest bedroom with a heavy bulletproof Havelock Vetinati-style door with locks on the inside and outside before poofing away.

"Miss Victoria!" the animals said.

"I know you're behind me, Demon Boy." Fergesen said "Is that about me chewing out your girlfriend?"

"Wrong girl. I'm in love with Christy, the brunette."Danny said "That was the other one, the blonde. And yes, she's friends with my girlfriend and the mind-controlling animal angels from Canada."

"Don't you understand that because of Miss Victoria, some Hellsing troops were almost killed by the vampire?"

"Yes. And so were Division 11, who 'treated her with kid gloves' as you put it. And now the Hellsing Organization took Division 11's job of being Miss Victoria's family. You can either criticize her for thinking like a police officer, or you can train her to kill like a soldier. The reason Division 11 died in the first place was because they acted like police officers, refusing to kill unarmed ghouls until they infected them all. Because that's what they were trained to do. Seras-uh, miss Victoria only survived because they protected her. What you should do is make her loyal to Hellsing like she was to Division 11. Explain to her that the prostitute had superhuman strength and ghouls possess extreme resistance to damage. Explain to her that undead frequently look like harmless unarmed civilians, yet possess superhuman abilities and kill innocent people, including their own families. Tell her that if she hesitates, her new family-the Hellsing troops-will die just like Division 11 did by the hands and teeth of seemingly harmless but dangerous monster civilians. Then, make her do sniper rifle reassembly drills repeatedly so she could do it faster."

"But those things are so bloody obvious! Anyone with half a brain knows that."

"British police don't. Neither do the civilians that you're protecting from these horrors. Listen, Commander. If you keep acting like this, you're going to end up with a blonde female Alucard. And you know what a great team player Alucard is. Doing nothing to protect your soldiers, waiting for them to get slaughtered before deciding to attack. Spiking your protein prune smoothie with LSD."

"You may have a point." Fergesen said thoughtfully before turning his head sharply "Hey, wait a minute! If you were here all the time, how did you know what happened during Victoria's mission?"

A pigeon pooped on Fergesen's head, then turned into a second Danny. Thankfully the poop did not transform. "I call it, the Demon Shadow Clone Technique. I used it to gather information. You should see my Super Satan transformations in action." Danny said, turning into a muscular demon with spiky hair "and my Krakatoa Blast attack." He did an energy blast from his cupped hands. When the ball of energy flew three feet from his hands, it disappeared with an unimpressive poof "I've made them after watching Japanese cartoons. Now who says that television rots your brain?"

"Okay. That's enough. You've made your point. Now would you please stop bothering me before I ask Mr Dornetz to train you?" Hearing that, Danny went quiet, even saying sorry before disappearing.

So far, the only things that Christy remembered was watching Danny die, then waking up to find him have his powers, the Caring animals befriending a beautiful female officer (Christy swore she wasn't homosexual. It was just an observation. Danny offered to make out with himself while she watches instead, since he wouldn't see her kissing Seras), who was turned into a vampire and called the big jerk that bothered Danny "Master". This creepy vampire guy in a red trench coat guy was working for the manly-looking lady.

And of course, there's her own sudden increase in strength that she used to beat up Alucard, her pain tolerance, the quickly healed injury from the ripped needle, her sudden taste for blood, the allergy to silver, and most importantly, her sudden appetite for bacon and eggs. Those were really weird-she had a pint of the Rocky Balboa cocktail, then had another glass of raw eggs in a one liter beer mug before she felt full.

And everyone hated each other. Danny adored Christy and was okay with the vampire, but not the animals and was unfamiliar with the female cop.

The blonde vampire cop was friends with the animals and loyal to the vampire that saved her life, but knew little about Danny and Christy.

The animals were okay with Christy and the blonde vampire girl, but not her Master or Danny.

Christy was pro Caring animals and pro Danny, but anti vampire guy in trenchcoat and indifferent to the blonde vampire girl.

And Sir/Lady Integra Hellsing was busy keeping them from killing each other.

To make Christy remember what happened, Alucard asked Integra's permission to use his powers to retrieve Christy's memories. Integra assured the Care Bears and Cousins that if Alucard does anything to hurt Christy, they can feel free to shoot him with rainbows for as long as they wish.

He formed a square shape with his fingers that he aimed at Christy as a bunch of eyes appeared on his chest. Then he said, "Unlocking lowest level restriction of the Cromwell Protocol. Commencing memory retrieval."

As he said that, Christy's body convulsed as her consciousness raced into the past.

**Christy screamed Danny's name as his body was torn apart by bullets as the vampire priest laughed maniacally. **

**Suddenly, Alucard burst through the door "Heeeeere's, Johnny!" he said to Danny "Now this how you make an entrance, Demon Boy. By quoting Jack Nicholson." He looked down on the corpse. "Oh come bloody on! How long does it take for you to regenerate?"**

**He was interrupted by a hail of bullets.**

**Christy hadn't noticed anything. She was just extremely consumed by rage to notice anything around her other than the priest. Her teeth grew as her hands turned to claws, though there wasn't any fur. Yet. The ends of thick black stubble began to protrude from her arms like the hairs on Marge Simpson's sisters' legs or the wizard Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden's chin.**

**Christy turned around and began savaging the vampire priest with her claws as a red cloud formed on the back part of a church pew. It solidified into a red chimpanzee wearing triangular sunglasses and wearing a t-shirt that says 'Heil Satan!'**

"**Look who's talking." The ape said, looking down at what was left of Alucard while the ghouls stared in confusion.**

"**Shut up, kid." The puddle replied.**

"**Who knows. I could be older than you."**

"**Open fire!" the priest shrieked hysterically while fighting off an angry werewolf puppy.**

**The demonic chimp jumped around and teleported too quickly to be hit, ripping the ghouls limb from limb as an epic hard rock song began to play in the background for no reason whatsoever. **

**Then, three guns materialized in his hands (and foot) as he stood on one leg as he started shooting in different directions at the ghouls as Alucard watched.**

**That was when the Caring animals and Miss Victoria burst into the church to find it full of corpses where a vampire reeking of unCaring hanging out with a demonic Danny while Christy became a monster. Of course, they've made the wrong assumption:**

"**Oh no, this vampire corrupted Danny and Christy with his evil powers!"**

**As they blasted all three of them, Alucard splattered the same way that he did when being shot earlier while a mindlessly feral Christy managed to dodge them by clinging to a wall.**

**Just like last time, Danny or Dark Heart's dark magical energy acted like water, and white magic blasting into him acted like an ugly naked Greek philosopher jumping into it before screaming 'Eureka!'**

…**By making the dark magic splash everywhere randomly, this time hitting Seras instead of Christy.**

"**Oh no! Dark Heart killed Miss Victoria." Nurse Bear said "Let's begin to hold hands and chant 'I Care!' at the top of our lungs."**

"**There aren't enough of us." Grumpy said "Remember that last time all of us were present for the resurrection. Including True Heart and Noble Heart, our founders with the greatest power."**

**Alucard kneeled towards the glowing red body of the blonde female officer. **

"**Demon boy hadn't killed anyone. You did. If you hadn't blasted him, he wouldn't have lost control of his powers."**

"**Step away from her body, you monster!" Brave Heart said as Alucard wordlessly pointed a gun at them.**

"**If you make a move, I will blast you to bloody chunks, furballs. Police girl agreed to become a vampire by letting me force my blood down her throat."**

"**And how do you know that?" Tea Time Bear asked.**

"**I'm a mind reader, you idiot! Now don't bother me or you'll regret it." Alucard opened his trench coat to let five spirits of World War Two soldiers that he ate to step out, pointing their transparent but sufficiently solid guns at the Care Bears and Cousins so that they don't interrupt him. "My familiars can shoot you faster than you can shoot them. So don't get any ideas, furballs."**

**The vampire bit his wrist and put it in Seras' mouth to force his blood down her throat. Then he made two small incisions in her neck with two fangs and drank her blood (no need to waste good virgin product). The animals chanted the count down for their attack, but one bullet shot by a ghost next to their feet stopped them.**

**Seras' eyes fluttered open. "Guys…" she said weakly.**

"**Don't talk now." Alucard said "You're still too weak." He turned to the dumbfounded animals "Hey, does anyone have a blanket?"**

**Nurse Bear summoned a pink blanket from her tummy symbol, but one of the ghostly soldiers brought a grey one from a church closet.**

**Meanwhile, Danny regained his awareness. Being hit by rainbows made him lose his solid form and turn onto a cloud with eyes, losing control of Sith Lightning by shooting it everywhere. He ignored the smell of charred flesh coming from the ghouls and the vampire priest, instead desperately looking for Christy.**

**He heard something land behind him and grab him with an iron grip. At first he screamed, only to recognize Christy's soft and silky hair and her intoxicating musky smell, that he could notice even without animal senses, because now it covered her like fur. "Hey, that tickles!" He said as he felt a wet nose against his cheek and a canine tongue licking his ear. **

**Then he felt the creature's body go limp as the werewolf puppy fainted in his arms. He saw Christy's canine ears and muzzle shorten as her fur fell out.**

**Something behind them moved.**

**The burned vampire priest's corpse raised himself up from the ground. "I…will…get…my…revenge…" he wheezed weakly, only for the muzzle of Alucard's gun to press against his forehead.**

"**Oh, where are my manners? I almost forgot about you." Alucard said as he pulled the trigger.**

**Integra Wingates Fairebrooke Hellsing exhaled some cigar smoke as she watched Alucard carrying a blonde girl in a blanket; the red demonic gorilla next to him carried a werewolf girl, followed by bright colorful animals. She looked more surprised at Alucard rescuing someone than at the three bears, lion, elephant, werewolf and gorilla (Danny Hart decided to switch from the chimpanzee shape). **

"**What are you creatures doing outside of Canada?" she asked.**

"**Please, Sir Integra," Nurse Bear pleaded "we need Hellsing Organization's help!"**

Christy convulsed as she foamed at the mouth.

"What did you do to him?" Nurse Bear said as she grabbed Alucard's collar.

"Nothing at all. I just did a weird gesture with my fingers, made eyes appear on my chest and invoked the founder of Protestant Christianity, whose power is used to enchant my gloves to keep me from killing civilians. I didn't expect her to have such an extreme reaction to a placebo, though."

Everyone turned to Integra "Is that true?"

"Yes. He was still under limiters placed on him."

_That's it, guys. Unfortunately, I couldn't fit in a lot of lovey-dovey stuff to make it actually sickeningly sweet, but at least I've finished it. It would have made more sense to turn Christy into a vampire, with Alucard acting as her daddy and Daniel Hart as the son-in-law, while Seras gets transformed into Police Bear._


End file.
